


Memories on Winter

by lyricayed



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21929227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricayed/pseuds/lyricayed
Summary: It's been a few days since winter began, and Bucky, at first blamed Steve's puffy eyes and stuffed nose to his poor health. Bucky made sure to keep an eye out for any sign that Steve was coming down with something.A few days had passed. Nothing happens.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35
Collections: Stucky Secret Santa 2019





	Memories on Winter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whatthefoucault](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatthefoucault/gifts).



Bucky stirs awake to a slender hand caressing his hair. Still muddled with sleep, Bucky reached out blindly for the person beside him, pulling their bodies closer for a warm embrace. This was normal for them, especially on winter.

"Steve?" Bucky groans, still too sleepy to open his eyes.

"Go back to sleep, Buck." Steve croaked hurriedly, his body tense with surprise. The gentle touches do not seize, but speeds up a little. "Just sleep."

Bucky hums and nuzzles Steve's neck, the prospect of sleep already appealing with the cold weather. Steve, long fingers now massaging his scalp lightly, rendered Bucky weak to the call of dream land. He was quickly dozing off; his mind already gone enough to miss Steve's labored breathing and light shudders…

And those sobs Steve desperately tries to muffle.

❄◌❊◌❄

  


It's been a few days since winter began, and Bucky, at first blamed Steve's puffy eyes and stuffed nose to his poor health. Bucky made sure to keep an eye out for any sign that Steve was coming down with something.

A few days had passed. Nothing happens.

Bucky starts to get suspicious.

Every morning, Steve looked the same. He had swollen eyes and a red nose.

  


Bucky didn’t want to entertain this thought in the back of his mind at first, but it seemed that it was the likely reason Steve looked the way he did every time they woke up.

  


Every night, while Bucky was sound asleep, Steve had been crying. 

  


Steve was bottling up something so painful it brings him to tears every night.

  


The thought distresses Bucky. He never liked being kept in the dark when it came to Steve, especially when Steve was at his most vulnerable.

  


People who knew Steve Rogers were well aware that he was skinny, sickly, and had a list of ailments that might as well proclaim him dead. They also knew he was stubborn, which was probably what’s keeping him alive at the present. But above his stubbornness, he was fearless, to a point where the word ‘reckless’ was sometimes a more accurate description of him. He never backed down from anyone who he deemed was doing something wrong. He never lets himself be pushed around or be intimidated by people twice his size. No matter the cuts, the bruises, the multiple times he had his nose broken, Steve Rogers never cried.

  


Steve Rogers _never_ cried.

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Bucky was pretended to be asleep that night, to know if his suspicions were true. Steve is known to be a stubborn ass punk after all. He didn't know when to ask for help. Most probably didn't know he is not being a burden by doing so, either. Bucky lets out a frustrated sigh, something that can pass as a silent snore. He can't really alert Steve that he's only half asleep, since Bucky is known to be a heavy sleeper.

  


So far Bucky only hears Steve breathe heavily. But a sound of a small sniffle soon reached Bucky’s ears. Bucky felt Steve shift beside him, cold arms wrapping themselves on his body. They were now close enough for Bucky to hear Steve’s stifled sobs. 

  


Bucky was now at a loss. .

  


While Bucky confirmed his suspicions to be true, he didn’t know what his next step will be. Steve rarely cried that not even Bucky knew what to do to make Steve feel better. And Bucky knew Steve practically their whole lives. .

  


_Should I let the night end and ask Steve about it the next morning? Should I make a move now? ._

  


Bucky willed his mind to rest, not having the courage to shatter this fragile moment when Steve felt safe enough to let himself feel. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


“Steve, what’s wrong?” Bucky asks as soon as they were settled in the new morning. Steve was seated across Bucky at their dining table, staring absent-mindedly at his tea. .

  


When Steve’s mind caught up with the question, he opened his mouth to respond, but Bucky cut him off before any sound came out, “I know what you’re goin’ to say. It’s not ‘nothing’ Steve. You can tell me. Please.” Steve didn’t talk, just letting the silence drag on as resumes to look down at his tea. .

  


“Your eyes have been swollen,” Bucky starts. “Have been for days. Thought you were comin’ down with a sickness or somethin’ but…” Bucky trails off. Steve glanced up at Bucky, who was now eyeing his own tea with furrowed brows. Steve didn’t like that look on Bucky’s face. .

  


Steve was about to take a sip of his tea when Bucky spoke again. “You were crying.” .

  


Steve froze, his heart beating faster than usual. .

  


_He knew? How? Since when? ._

  


Steve used a little too much force to put his mug down. He pushed down all the unpleasant feeling boiling in his gut. .

  


“I wasn’t.” Steve says stiffly. He was stalling. .

  


No. .

  


He was luring Bucky out to tell him everything. Bucky takes a deep breath. .

  


“I heard you last night. I wasn’t asleep. I had to know what was going on. I’m sorry.” Bucky was babbling nervously, knowing what was to come. .

  


Steve grinds hit teeth, jaws hard. He never liked feeling exposed. .

  


Steve couldn’t breathe. He was struggling to breathe. Bucky rushes to him immediately, inhaler already in hand. Bucky placed it in his mouth and Steve took in every puff greedily. .

  


Once both of them calmed down, Bucky took Steve’s hands into his own, massaging them. Steve didn’t say anything. Bucky continued his ministrations. .

  


Steve needed to clear his head and be rational. _Bucky only wanted to help._ Bucky was only worried. Steve felt a bit betrayed and angry. But his anger was not directed at Bucky, but towards himself. For letting himself be weak. .

  


For letting himself be seen while he was weak. .

  


“I’m sorry, Buck. I didn’t want to worry you.” Bucky stares at Steve, waiting for him say more. Steve sighs; knowing there’s no going around this and just accepts that he needed to tell Bucky the truth. .

  


“It’s just… I miss my ma.” Steve whispers. Everything suddenly clicked in to place. .

  


Bucky hurriedly took Steve’s much smaller form in his arms and hugged him tightly. Steve was soaking Bucky’s shirt with his tears. Bucky just held Steve tighter. .

  


Bucky wished Sarah was here, too. Sarah would know what to do. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Sarah Rogers was diagnosed with tuberculosis 3 years ago, just a few days before Christmas. Steve didn’t cry when he learned about it. He only promised his ma that he’ll take care of him. .

  


To say that Steve and Sarah barely had enough money to keep themselves afloat is an understatement. But every time Christmas came around, they managed to just have the right amount to have a taste of luxury that was considered meagre even for some people in the working class. .

  


They were happy and satisfied. It was a feeling that was so distant to Steve. He misses it greatly. He misses his ma more. .

  


It’s been a little more than six months since she was gone. Steve didn’t cry back then either. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Bucky offered Steve comfort silently, letting Steve take his own pace. Steve sometimes wanted to be wrapped around Bucky’s arms, and Bucky would freely do so, provided that they were in the safe confines of their home. People didn’t know that it was normal between the two of them after all. The gesture wasn’t really seen as something just two male friends would do. Bucky can’t help but wish it was more. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Bucky took on extra shifts at the docks whenever the opportunity presented itself. He wanted to surprise Steve this Christmas, have something special to lift his spirits up. However, in the process, Bucky neglected his health. .

  


Just two days before Christmas, he collapsed at work. .

  


Steve rushed to the docks when he caught wind that Bucky got in to an accident his eyes wild with worry. He marched straight to Bucky when he found him perched on one of crates at the side. Bucky was sporting a huge bruise at the right side of his face. Steve was about to say something when the doctor arrived to make sure Bucky was okay. Steve just stood there, letting the doctor do his thing, narrowing his eyes every time he catches Bucky wincing. .

  


Once the doctor assured them that Bucky didn’t have a concussion or any serious injuries, Steve and Bucky walked home. They were quiet, tension radiating from the both of them. Steve kept a distance, but not too far that he can’t support Bucky should he need to. The trip felt longer than it actually was. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


“What were you thinking, jerk?!” Steve screeched the moment Bucky closed the door. Bucky just sighed. .

  


Steve already had his inhaler in his hand, prepared for any asthma attacks that may come. Steve is not letting this go. .

  


“I can’t pass up the chance for extra cash, Steve.” .

  


Steve glares at Bucky. “Your health is more important than money, Bucky!” Bucky almost snorts at this, finding the statement funny to come from a person who had no sense of self-preservation. He had the urge to let Steve know that, but Bucky bites his tongue when he sees Steve’s glare turning glassy. .

  


Steve headed for their bedroom, turning in early. Bucky stayed at the living room, letting Steve have some space. Steve didn’t need to say it, but Bucky knew he scared the hell out of Steve. .

  


Bucky let the guilt inside him ebb away before joining him in bed. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Steve felt Bucky slip under the sheets beside him. He was still upset; his mind can’t seem to focus on the fact that Bucky was fine. His thoughts kept wandering towards what could’ve happened‒that he could have lost Bucky. .

  


Steve asked himself if this what Bucky felt whenever he got hurt or got sick. He wished not. It was a horrible feeling, worse than all the physical harm he’d ever experience. However, deep down, it felt nice to be loved in such a way. If Bucky ever loved Steve like how Steve does. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Steve and Bucky went about their mornings the same way as if nothing happened. Except, both of them were on edge, and Bucky’s bruise was difficult ignore. It doesn’t help that Bucky gets a day off to rest, which was supposedly not until tomorrow. .

  


They hung out on the bed, Bucky watching Steve do a commission for one of their neighbors. ‘It’s a gift for my ma.’ they said. Bucky notices Steve pour a little extra effort to the drawing that probably costs more than what their neighbor paid him for. .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Bucky dozed sometime in the afternoon, only to be woken up by a jazzy tune reverberating from the living room. Bucky got up quickly to see what was up. .

  


There were candles on their dining table, along with 2 bowls of soup. He walked a little further to find Steve, his back facing Bucky, sitting on the couch cushion he placed on the floor. Just like when they were kids. This elicited a smile on Bucky’s face. .

  


“What’s all this?” .

  


Steve yelped in surprise, not noticing Bucky was already awake and in the room. He scrambles to get up. It could be a trick by the candles, but Bucky could’ve sworn Steve’s face was red. .

  


Steve shrugs, not meeting Bucky’s gaze. Bucky walks towards him and ruffled his hair, knowing how much it annoys Steve. True enough, Steve looked up and glared at him. “I asked you a question, punk.” .

  


“I just wanted to do something nice,” Steve says, the words ‘for you’ conveniently absent. Bucky’s heart skipped a beat anyway. “Thanks, pal.” .

  


❄◌❊◌❄

  


Steve and Bucky spent the last few hours eating dinner and lounging at the couch cushions. Their lack of conversation was filled by the music playing on the radio. Steve brought out a bottle of cheap booze. ‘It’s an apology and a Christmas present’ Steve said. Bucky assured him there was nothing to apologize for, but accepted the gift nonetheless. In return, Bucky gave him a new sketchpad and a box of pencils. Steve chided him for giving him too many gifts, but it pulled a genuine, happy smile out of Steve. During that moment, Bucky thought his hard work had truly payed off. .

  


Just a few minutes before midnight, a new song from the radio started to play; Steve got up and turned to Bucky, offering a hand. “Care to dance?” .

  


The music was meant for a slow dance, for two bodies to sway together. Bucky doesn’t know what Steve’s thinking. Maybe it’s the alcohol in their system. .

  


“You hate dancing, Stevie.” Bucky says, ignoring the possible implication of Steve’s invitation. Steve shrugs. “Guess I’m in the mood right now.” .

  


Bucky humored him, not one to pass up this rare chance. .

  


It was normal for Steve and Bucky to be so close to each other that they would only be a centimeter apart. It has always been like, the both of them just that physically comfortable around each other. But there was a foreign feeling with Bucky holding Steve by the waist, and Steve resting his arms around Bucky’s neck as they swayed to the music. It felt foreign, but it also felt right. .

  


“I’m sorry I yelled at you the other day.” Steve whispers, finally ready to talk about things troubling his mind. He didn’t make any eye contact, and Bucky understands. “And for overreacting when you found out” Steve takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I worried you. I didn’t want to‒” Bucky interrupts Steve by squeezing his hips, his eyes narrowing at him, knowing exactly what he was going say. Steve shuts up. .

  


“You know I’m always here for you, Stevie. You can tell me anything. Anything, Steve. I’ll hold no judgments.” Steve looks at Bucky with a sad expression. “I know that Buck. It’s just. Hard. For me.” Steve tightens his hold on Bucky. “But I trust you, Buck. I do. More than anyone. I‒” Steve stopped abruptly, clearing his throat before continuing. You’re very important to me,” Bucky’s heart swells at this confession, slightly hopeful that what Steve was going to say meant he feels the same way about Bucky felt about him. Bucky tried to push the thought aside. .

  


“When I found out you had accident. I got so scared. So, so scared, Bucky. You’re all I have. I can’t lose you, too.” Bucky pulls Steve closer, one hand urging Steve to rest his head. .

  


“You won’t lose me, Steve. Never. That’s a promise.” They stayed in each other’s arms until the song stopped. Steve pulled away and looked deeply in to Bucky’s eyes. .

  


“Don’t say things you can’t keep, Barnes.” Bucky chuckles. He missed Steve’s challenging tone. Bucky rests his hands against Steve’s face, brushing his cheeks lightly. “I promise, Stevie,” he says firmly. .

  


Neither Steve nor Bucky knew what came over them when they pulled each other in for a kiss. This was another foreign thing between the two of them. Two male friends didn’t kiss each other on the lips. .

  


Their kiss deepened, Bucky boldly swiping his tongue against Steve’s lower lip. Steve opened his mouth, both of them moaning when their tongues met. .

  


Eventually, Steve had to pull away to take a breath. Bucky rested his forehead against Steve’s, wearing the dopiest smile Steve has ever seen. .

  


“I love you, Stevie. Merry Christmas.” .

  


“I love you, too Buck.” Steve sighs happily. “Merry Christmas.” .

  


The cold winter air of Christmas reminded Steve of one of the most painful memories he’s ever had. But it’ll also remind him of one of the greatest gifts he could ever ask for: Bucky’s love. .

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, whatthefoucault! I am your secret santa! I honestly got nervous that I got you for the gift exchange since I am a newbie and you are quite a known writer for the fandom.
> 
> I know the story was quite bittersweet but I hope you were able to enjoy the gift. 
> 
> Thank you and Merry Christmas!


End file.
